|Subject:||forever and ever amen|
holy cow - i totally forgot about this thing.. i can't believe it's been almost 2 years since a post..
i don't think i should neglect this as much as i have been
|s a r a h's Journal
20 most recent entries
holy cow - i totally forgot about this thing.. i can't believe it's been almost 2 years since a post..
"She Shut Your Eyes"
Sometimes [more often than not] I get annoyed with people in general. They just really get under my skin. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's selfish of me to get like this, I don't know. To make a poor choice and then constantly bitch about the repercussions of this choice is utterly annoying to no end. If you are undoubtedly that miserable and you have the power to make another choice that would solve your misery, do it. These problems persist only because you allow them to.
This is why I'm a hermit.post a comment
As defined by Merriam-Webster:
Although I'm bit embarrassed I enjoy this song... It does say how I feel about my DEV. So this is for him.
Really, I wish that this world did not revolve around currency. Be it dollars, clams, sticks, toe nail clippings – what have you. I find it to be a discouraging thing.
These days I feel I only work for the credit card companies. To pay debt that I foolishly accumulated during my latter teen years. If I told you how far in debt I was, most people would probably think I was obsessing over a mediocre amount. That in fact, I should be lucky to only be in debt as much as I am.
This right now consumes my life. Working, obsessing, stressing over bills. I pray (to whoever listens) that this will not continue to control my thoughts and daily activities.
I can’t help it.
It’s just what I do.
Worry. Obsess. Stress.
I’m quite good at it actually.
Though I’ve finally made my decision about moving, only I find it hampered by my debt. I wanted to be in a better position with my debt before making the move. The last thing I would want to do would be taking a step backward.
Not that I can’t pay my bills.
I should probably count my blessings that I am able to pay what bills I have.
post a comment
But I don’t.
it's tuesday today. work went fairly smoothly. i've been staying late the past few days in exchange for being able to leave early on friday. chuck's new girlfriend gave us tickets to some boxing thing that's going on that evening. we're in what they call "power weeks" in aflac land. "power weeks" happen the last month in every quarter; so i only have to suffer four times a year.
god i can't wait to go back to doing hair.
the one thing about doing hair that i enjoyed - was that when your day was done, your day was done. you didn't have to think about the pile of work that was waiting for you to return the next day because there wasn't any. i really miss doing hair....
With all the unnecessary drama (stemming mainly from my place of employment) I feel my stress level starting to rise. On top of this being the “time of year” where the pressure is on to spread some “holiday cheer” and do so with a grin from ear to ear cemented on your face.
Seriously.. not cool.
I just typed up an ass long entry.. . Dustin called on his break, so when we got off the phone I clicked "update" and my whole entry was gone.
WTF. I don't understand why it does that....post a comment
Sometimes people really make wonder.
Why do people do things they know are wrong? Or why do people do things they know they don't have to do or know they are better than to stoop to that level? It amazes me how people can push their conscious to the side or shrug a shoulder only to say if other people can do it, why can't I? If you're living life by the monkey see, monkey do rule - I am frightened for you.
I know this time of year in particular makes people do cooky things. In this case, cooky doesn't necessarily mean the actions are good or bad; just that whatever it is they are, they seem out of character for the doer.
I don't understand it.
I don't understand a lot of things that goes in people's minds and I spend a lot of my time trying to figure it all out. That's just what I do. I can't help it. As much as I would just love to let it go. I can't. I don't let anything go. It all stays wrapped up in that brain of mine.
What gets to me the most is seeing people that you care for doing something that is out of character. Me, personally, if I had enough balls to ask why is it they chose to do what they did... I would. Instead I say nothing, I probably just converse about it to someone else and hope maybe they could put things into perspective for me. But honestly, if there was an easier way of getting done what this person wanted to accomplish - why wouldn't they just do that in the first place. Why choose to stoop to a level they normally wouldn't succumb themselves to.
So I sit. And I wonder.post a comment
Today was an ugly day. And although, the weather was - that's not what I'm referring to. I had an ugly day today. I didn't have a particularly bad hair day, I wore a really cute outfit, my makeup went on well. It was just that every time I caught a glimpse of myself I hated what I saw. I thought I looked terrible. Toward the middle of the day, I found myself keeping my eyes locked down at my hands in the sink as I washed them in the bathroom - not wanting to see myself in the bathroom mirror at work.
It's terrible feeling like that. I hate days like these. You can't see them coming. I mean, how miserable it is to go around all day not being able to look anyone in the eye because you feel grotesque that day. Hello - who ordered the lack of self esteem? Everyone is self conscious to a certain extent. That's really not a bad thing, the half of us that are "aware" roll our eyes at the other half that walk around with their heads up their asses. [Well - it makes sense to me. Sorry if you can't decipher my mumbo jumbo.]
Anyhow, I'm looking forward to an end of this day. It wasn't a bad day so to speak, it just was.post a comment
Alright, I'm going to attempt to write in this thing on Dustin's computer. *crosses fingers* His computer is a little tempramental..
So anyhow.. it always seems like when I'm driving I get into these deep thoughts and always say to myself, "Hey, I should write about that in my journal when I get home". Obviously, this just doesn't happen. I don't know... I seem to get in front of the screen and can't help but feel a little geeky having my fingers dance over the keys and see my thoughts pop up on the screen. I suppose that's one of the reasons why I haven't updated this in awhile. But my trusty livejournal is always there when I need it. I admit that having this thing has helped me through a lot of different stages. I've this jouranl for .. let's see.. four years or so? I've gone back from time to time and erased quite a few entries. I'm not sure why.. I mean, that's the whole point of having a journal, right? To back and read what you've previously written. Maybe I didn't feel as if I needed/wanted to dwell on them any longer... I know a lot of them I was flat out embarrased about. Whether it be the subject of discussion or the poor grammer, spelling.. etc. Not that all of that should really matter.. it is a journal after all.
So here I sit on a cold, rainy day with nothing but time and I can't think of a darn thing to write about it..post a comment
I read this today...
"When a [insert misc. magazine name here] health editor asked Charles Gerba, Ph.D., a microbiology professor at the University of Arizona in Tuscon, to test her cell phone, he found it crawling with 40,000 bacteria per square inch - 300 times more than a Porta Potti seat. That's a pretty typical count, Gerba says. Most of the germs are harmless, but not all-so he suggests cleaning your cell with a cleansing wipe about once a day."
Eww.. more bacteria than a Porta Potti?? Where the heck does she keep her phone?? Anyhow... clean your phones off suckasses.
*the name of the magazine has been changed to protect the poster of this blog.post a comment
You already know what "big butt parking" is, trust me. Those blue and white signs that are posted on the primo parking spots at the malls, apartment buildings, stores, etc. That nifty man seems to be sitting in a wheelchair, but ahhhhhh no, no... he has a big butt.
See for yourself..
Yep, that's a big butt.
Isn't it sickly ironic that 8 out of 10 people you see parking in these spots don't seem to be so ... challenged? I'd like to know what sort of criteria the goverment states is needed to hold one of these golden...er blue tickets to parking euphoria. I'm pretty sure one rule is to always wear those big ass sunglasses that wrap around one's whole head as if they were attemping to renter the Earth's atmosphere. And haven't you noticed that all the cars that park in these spots are 1966 Vista Cruisers or something of the like stature? Just massive cars that you know the driver can't see over the steering wheel without a booster seat. And they're parked all crooked, completling obliterating the time spent on painting those nice, straight, yellow lines. Sometimes there's a plethora of trash all smooshed on the dashboard; like maybe one day they'd need that Snicker's bar wrapper that says "Sorry, not a winner. Please play again." But at least you have to give them props for not being a litter bug. No one likes a litter bug. Where am I going with this? I'm not really sure. All I wanted to point out was that the little man on the sign looks like he has a big butt. That was it.post a comment
My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
Types of "Coffee-Makers".
The Weaklings: First off, the ratio of scoops to cups of water is not 1 to 12. Everyone might as well be drinking hot water. Stop wasting our coffee and leave this to the veterans.
Molasses Makers: Personally, if I'd have to choose a "bad coffee maker" type. I'd pick these guys. I'd much rather have the coffee shakes than receiving no caffine at all. These folks make the coffee sooo strong you can smell it when you pee it out. Honestly though, with a little cream, I can manage to choke down a cup or three.
Grinders: I really, really wonder about these guys. It's always the same people that manage to grinds IN the pot. How do you do it? It really bites having to pick those nasty grinds out from between my teeth. Gross.
Newbies: If you have to ask someone "How many scoops do I use?" STOP. Put the coffee scooper back in the can and walk away. Save yourself from becoming one of the types of "Coffee Makers" listed above. The world will be a better place. Go make some tea or something.post a comment
Settle: 1 : to come to rest
Why do we settle? Okay, maybe I shouldn't say "we", dare I assume everyone's guilty of this. I'll admit that I am. Yes - I'm speaking about relastionships here. Four years vested with someone whom I truly thought I wanted to be with forever. Forever. Think about that. Forever is a really long time. Honestly, what was my hurry? I don't have an answer for that. I think it became more of a routine. It was more of a numbness than a contentness.. a sort of coma that came over me. Days passed with a shrug of a shoulder. So this is what life would be like. Fine - I dealt with it. I mean, this was just how it was was supposed to be, right? Coming home every day after work to the same nothingness waiting for me. Why do we tourture ourselves with that? Is it because we'd rather be miserable than alone? Misery loves company you know. I never felt miserable though. I never really felt anything to tell you the truth. It was that coma thing. That haze that just falls over everything. I'd reached the point of being too tired to fight back. It was no longer worth the effort. It was much easier to nod and smile than to have an opinion. And what the most disturbing thing about this is... I probably would still be in the same situation if it wouldn't have been the other party to end the relationship. I probably would still be in a fog, shuffling along. Being kicked to the curb was the best thing that could have happened to me. Obviously at that particular moment I didn't think so. Oh no, I thought my life was over and I'd never be happy again. I didn't even want to think the word "relationship". I hated the world. I had a little black rain cloud that followed me around. I was a miserable prick to be around for almost half a year. I convienced myself that there was a difference between being alone and being lonely. It took awhile, but I assured myself that being alone was just fine. And really, I was. I was fine.
So now the heart goes from being broken, to calloused. I began to merge out of hybernation- but I had my guard up. Or so I thought. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I mean - people don't just click like this. Do they? Well - I'd show him I thought. I'd be 100% open and honest. Not hold anything back, I wasn't really expecting anything anyhow. That's probably the best thing I could have done. Be me. No holding back. If you don't like it, fine. Don't waste my time and I won't waste yours. Us both having come from similar situations, we were approaching all of this the same way. And it worked. And it is working. And it feels fucking wonderful. I'm happy. I'm so fucking happy. I want to skip around like a little kid and sing stupid songs that make no sense. Now this IS what being happy is supposed to feel like. None of that "contentness" bullshit. Get out of the fog. Wake up from your coma, damn it. Don't waste your time walking around like a lemming. There's no time for that. Life is like an hour glass glued to the table.post a comment
This past weekend we ventured down to Washington D.C. to get all historical-like. It was an action packed adventure - crazy homeless people, crazy foreigners that nodded and smiled a lot, and good ol' crazy Americans. We visited the National Archives, The Smithsonian Natural History Museum, The WWII Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, Vietnam Veterans Wall, walked past the Washington Monument and reflecting pool.
When entering actual buildings (i.e. the archives, or museums) you had to go through metal detectors and all bags had to be searched. While most people would think security would have heightended after years past events, we found it quite the opposite. Most of the security guards looked like "rent-a-cops". The few we heard speak had heavy forgein accents. We even asked one where a restroom was and he said "He had no idea.." Oh come on. You have no idea, so when you need to relieve yourself you just do so on the side of the building? I don't think any of them were equipped with a firearm. They were all very sloppy looking... leaning against walls or posts; we saw one sitting down on a bench inside one of the exhibits. I suppose we were expecting to see some security personnell that gave a fuck. People that stood straight and acted like they were proud to protect our country's decloration for it's independence. I was pretty embarrassed. There were people that obviously came from out of the country to see these documents, whom didn't speak one word of English.. and there are our "guards" looking around, yawning, looking at their fingernails. It was just disappointing to see our country's lame ass attempt to protect the archives.
Other than that. Tomorrow is my birthday. Whoo hoo.
[It's the smallest things, that have a tendency to hurt for the longest times.]post a comment